Perhaps becoming ready is a process. I’m finding out that it’s hard to say goodbye. I firmly believe that heaven is a much better place than here and now. But even with a better place waiting for me it’s hard to be ready to leave those I love so dearly, those so close and those I so want to be proud of their Dad and husband. Not to mention close and dear friends. I could tell when my Father was ready to enter his peace. Today was not that day for me, I wasn’t ready

What a day of big decisions. I had PEG Tube surgery scheduled for this morning. Leading up to this day Bo and I had met with our surgeons office and a staff member went over the procedure with us and then asked if we had any questions. I asked how they do this procedure with someone that has ALS and compromised breathing. We were assured an anesthesiologist would be there and if needed would help with breathing assistance. I was sure there was more to that, so when meeting the surgeon and the anesthesiologist this morning, we discovered there was much more to know.

I guess I would call this the fine print of the contract. It’s interesting that the fine print is really the important stuff to know because if it ever comes into play it’s because something went wrong. I had a bad feeling, I was sensing something wasn’t quite right with the scene today and wasn’t ready for something to go wrong. Too much confusion and information to process just heading into a procedure with a 50/50 chance on having a breathing tube put in and a chance once that happens I would be dependent on it. This was new news, I understood at that point I was not prepared for the fine print or the 50% that would leave me unable to speak and reliant on a vent for life. I don’t want to go down the vent road of life. Bo and I asked for a few minutes, we prayed and I told her I had not said my goodbyes and was not prepared to go forward with this today. She of course was with me 100%, we needed more info and have all the questions settled and be more prepared in case my breathing doesn’t respond well.

My circumstance is an interesting one. The end of this life is coming, when we starting using percentages in equations of what if’s, seems I might be closer than I thought. I’m okay with the facts and with truth, would rather have it that way. So if I take anything away from today, I have more facts than I did yesterday. You might say I’m getting more prepared while seeing how much I have to fight for and how much I’ve been blessed with in this life. Who could ask for more than I’ve been given? I could have never imagined such blessing.

Are you ever really ready to leave this life? This is such a personal question and so dependent on the life you’ve lived. From my vantage point I’m learning it is a tough process even to those granted the very best life has to offer. There is beauty all around me, such beauty and fullness of joy, great joy.

One day at a time, breathe in and live a fully loved life. I sure love you Bo, Whitney, Victoria, Tess, Josiah, Corey & Greyson. You have immensely blessed me and I’m forever grateful.

SBSTERN

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