Perhaps becoming ready is a process. I’m finding out that it’s hard to say goodbye. I firmly believe that heaven is a much better place than here and now. But even with a better place waiting for me it’s hard to be ready to leave those I love so dearly, those so close and those I so want to be proud of their Dad and husband. Not to mention close and dear friends. I could tell when my Father was ready to enter his peace. Today was not that day for me, I wasn’t ready
What a day of big decisions. I had PEG Tube surgery scheduled for this morning. Leading up to this day Bo and I had met with our surgeons office and a staff member went over the procedure with us and then asked if we had any questions. I asked how they do this procedure with someone that has ALS and compromised breathing. We were assured an anesthesiologist would be there and if needed would help with breathing assistance. I was sure there was more to that, so when meeting the surgeon and the anesthesiologist this morning, we discovered there was much more to know.
I guess I would call this the fine print of the contract. It’s interesting that the fine print is really the important stuff to know because if it ever comes into play it’s because something went wrong. I had a bad feeling, I was sensing something wasn’t quite right with the scene today and wasn’t ready for something to go wrong. Too much confusion and information to process just heading into a procedure with a 50/50 chance on having a breathing tube put in and a chance once that happens I would be dependent on it. This was new news, I understood at that point I was not prepared for the fine print or the 50% that would leave me unable to speak and reliant on a vent for life. I don’t want to go down the vent road of life. Bo and I asked for a few minutes, we prayed and I told her I had not said my goodbyes and was not prepared to go forward with this today. She of course was with me 100%, we needed more info and have all the questions settled and be more prepared in case my breathing doesn’t respond well.
My circumstance is an interesting one. The end of this life is coming, when we starting using percentages in equations of what if’s, seems I might be closer than I thought. I’m okay with the facts and with truth, would rather have it that way. So if I take anything away from today, I have more facts than I did yesterday. You might say I’m getting more prepared while seeing how much I have to fight for and how much I’ve been blessed with in this life. Who could ask for more than I’ve been given? I could have never imagined such blessing.
Are you ever really ready to leave this life? This is such a personal question and so dependent on the life you’ve lived. From my vantage point I’m learning it is a tough process even to those granted the very best life has to offer. There is beauty all around me, such beauty and fullness of joy, great joy.
One day at a time, breathe in and live a fully loved life. I sure love you Bo, Whitney, Victoria, Tess, Josiah, Corey & Greyson. You have immensely blessed me and I’m forever grateful.
SBSTERN
36 comments
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03/12/2014 at 10:45 am
binkysbaubles
Steve, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated reading this! I appreciate your honesty & straightforwardness. I have been praying daily, and will continue. You are an inspiration in fighting the good fight, and in listening for God’s voice & direction. Too often we just decide that the doctors know everything. Thank you again.
03/13/2014 at 12:40 pm
sbstern
Thank you so much for praying.
03/12/2014 at 11:35 am
Lincoln Nana
You are so close to God and I know He spoke clearly to you today! We prayed for peace and that it will continue to remain with you. He is before you and behind you and is directing your every step! Love you so much little brother!!
03/12/2014 at 11:36 am
Lincoln Nana
Reblogged this on Embracing Life's Seasons and commented:
My brother is walking a walk of complete faith in his God!
03/12/2014 at 11:37 am
Bo Stern (@Bostern)
I am certain that no wife in this world could be more proud of her husband than I am of you. Certain of it.
03/12/2014 at 12:25 pm
whitneynicolestewart
After reading your posts I am always lost for words, but I’ll give it my best attempt. Thank you for sharing the hard decisions surrounding your ALS adventure. Your posts always challenge my thinking. Your bravery and partnership with the Load and Bo never stop inspiring me.
03/13/2014 at 12:41 pm
sbstern
Love you Whitney, thanks for praying.
03/12/2014 at 3:36 pm
hollyengel2007
You guys have been on my heart, so very much lately. We are praying for grace, peace, joy and are boldly still asking for healing. We love you Sterns. We are fighting with you in prayer.
Love,
Sheldon, Holly, Lila Joy + Ella Faith
Engel
03/13/2014 at 12:42 pm
sbstern
Thanks Holly, blessed to have you fighting with us.
03/12/2014 at 8:31 pm
salciccioli
Steve- your honesty is amazing………I ponder the challenges you are facing and the recognition of unsaid goodbyes……….timing. How many of us live our lives so busy –assuming we, or someone else will always be there……there will be more time to share down the road. And yet, none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. I appreciate the question ” are we ever ready to leave this life”……This life, perhaps………..the people we love ..probably never. You are a wonderful man.
03/13/2014 at 12:43 pm
sbstern
Diana, thank you and thanks for be a faithful friend and prayer partner.
03/13/2014 at 8:56 am
Debbie Stevenson
Steve, You and your family are in my prayers. I witnessed someone dear to me make that choice, in a totally unplanned situation. My Mom was taken to ER with stomach pain and had a choice of surgery or not – the latter meant immediate body shut-down and imminent a death. She chose to go; she said she was ready. That was 5 years ago and I am still astounded that she had such courage and faith. God grant you the wisdom, courage and faith for your walk.
03/13/2014 at 12:44 pm
sbstern
Life’s challenges bring out our courage, our faith. What a great example. Bless yo Debbie.
03/13/2014 at 9:44 am
Scott Robson
Steve reading this brings tears to my eyes. You aspire me each day to be more of a man of God. You are my best friend and a man I have always looked up to! You truly are 1 in a billion! Love Ya bro. Scott
03/13/2014 at 12:45 pm
sbstern
Hey great friend, love you Bro! Blessed you are in my life.
03/13/2014 at 9:33 pm
Caleb A
Steve- I have been thinking about you recently. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. You have and continue to impact so many people in our community in a positive way. Love that big smile of yours and I hope to see it soon.
03/14/2014 at 12:49 pm
sbstern
Thank you Caleb and thanks for praying my friend.
03/14/2014 at 6:45 am
Char Schulz
Steve.. the journey that you and Bo and the rest of your family are taking follows a path that no one would select in order to reach the feet of our Heavenly Father.. and yet somehow you and Bo make the way all the more special by your words, thoughts and especially your writings. Your friends pray that God would take the pain and suffering away from you… but for reasons unknown to us.. God has ordained this journey for you and for those who walk with you. So thank you for letting us walk alongside you and learn from you. It’s a humble and gracious thing you and Bo are doing for the rest of us who can’t be with you day by day. Know that you are loved and respected and honored for who you are and how you are braving this war. You both are making it a beautiful battlefield in spite of everything. Love you both. Char
03/14/2014 at 12:50 pm
sbstern
Thanks Char, great to see you at the Old Mill yesterday.
03/14/2014 at 7:52 am
Ken and Betty Yoder
Thanks Steve for sharing your blessings and your battles with us. You have truley blessed our lives. We will continue to pray for you all.
03/14/2014 at 12:50 pm
sbstern
Blessings Ken & Betty, love you.
03/14/2014 at 12:42 pm
Karen Sesnon
Man oh man Steve…the ripples in the pond of life from your impact just keep expanding. Thank you for allowing the rest of us to take this journey with you, even in such a small way.You are such a testament to the power of Christ in our lives. I know you don’t want it to be about how amazing and courageous and strong and brave and dear YOU are…but your life surely gives Glory to God and is evidence of the Holy Spirit. Most of us leave this earth without a legacy but you have built one that will last. Praying with you and for your family.
03/14/2014 at 12:51 pm
sbstern
Thank you Karen, that is very special to me.
03/25/2014 at 10:14 am
sbstern
Thank you Karen, I’ve been amazingly blessed.
03/14/2014 at 1:49 pm
byhisgrace
Steve, Praising God for you and Bo sharing your journey and testimony of His love, grace and glory in your lives. My husband, who also has ALS, recently had a PEG tube placed. We were able to avoid surgery (and the breathing risks you mentioned) by having the tube placed with only a local anesthetic by an interventional radiologist. I don’t know if there is someone in your area who does this, but we highly recommend it if possible. We were also told about a natural and organic food called Liquid Hope that is helping with his nutrition. Praying for even more joy and abundant blessings for you and your family through Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us – to Him be the glory!!
03/14/2014 at 1:55 pm
sbstern
Thank you for the encouragement and the info about Liquid Hope (love the name). We will be meeting with our specialist in Portland next week to review options again. Thanks so much for your prayers. I likewise will be praying for you and your husband. God is good.
03/15/2014 at 3:55 pm
byhisgrace
Amen, Steve. I’m finding it is an interesting process to simultaneously grieve our temporal losses and yet rejoice in our confident hope as we walk with faith in God’s goodness and trust in His plan. May hope and joy super-abound in you and Bo and all you touch.
03/17/2014 at 4:59 am
Debbie Kuchenbrod
Steve – you are an awesome witness to God – I enjoy reading your post – this one has really hit home – God truly has a plan for you
03/17/2014 at 11:32 am
sbstern
Thanks Debbie, being in the center of His plan for our lives is the best and most peaceful place to live. Blessings!
03/17/2014 at 9:20 am
Colin
I have no words — just ….I’ve got nothing — nod / wink — GOD BLESS and MUCH LOVE —
03/17/2014 at 11:33 am
sbstern
What? Colin with no words, oh my. Ha, just kidding my friend, have a blessed day!
03/18/2014 at 6:46 am
Mark Beardsley
You are a true blessing to everyone who reads your blog and those around your wonderful family. Praying for continued Peace of the Lord over you. Love you Steve.
03/18/2014 at 7:31 pm
Megan King
Steve, your blogs always hit home with us. ALWAYS in our prayers!
03/18/2014 at 8:25 pm
sbstern
Thanks Megan, praying for strength and peace for you and wisdom for your Dr.
03/20/2014 at 7:04 am
Gloria Hoffman
Steve, you and your family are so in my prayers. The life of Job continually comes to mind when i am thinking on and praying for you. During this time of such great hardship…..you are blessing countless others. Not lightly but deeply, so much so, that it seems words are futile in the attempt to express it. Your life is by far the greatest witness of the Lord that I have ever seen. You are loved by so many. Praying!
03/20/2014 at 7:38 am
Jill
Thank you, Steve; for keeping it real in the hardest that life has to offer and allowing us all to see. By your example, you are teaching multitudes how to trust God in middle of suffering and affliction. Nothing less than remarkable is your constant proclamation that He is good and He has provided for the hardest blows that we can be hit with in this life. It is no less than stunning to see the visible strength of The Lord in you at your weakest. Just as the invisible air we breathe sustains our very lives, so is the mystery of this vibrant, indestructible, love of God growing brighter from your life in the face of destruction. The power of that Love, reverberates from your life and I have no doubt, it will echo throughout eternity as one of the best sellers among the song of the redeemed!
You are completely and utterly hemmed in to this thing of Love.
Nothing can stop you. Nothing.
Be strong in The Lord and the power of His might, dear friend.
We love you,
The Wolfe Fam